OffLine

It's French, it's quirky, it rides well.

In brand terms it's a bit 'out there'. Not the obvious sporting choice, more your quirky, practical, comfy and yet surprising option when you don't want to bore the world by putting yet another Bimmer on the road.

Citroen has produced beautiful, desirable cars and downright forgettable ones too. Often innovative, especially in styling, suspension and general engineering, Citroen has also been led astray by the corporate bottom line, losing the fight for excellence and accepting lower cost parts sharing. Shame, if entirely understandable. Still, does the market really know? Probably not.

You buy a Citroen 'cause you want a French car over an Italian one, and you choose Cit 'cause it's the innovative choice out of mainstream Renault (read: dullsville) and similarly quirky yet somehow more practical Peugeot. A German option just doesn't register, certainly not BMW or Benz. If you wanted that sort of overpriced, styleless practicality you'd probably look at Audi, but it's not the same, is it?

Citroen: the French Alfa?

Well, almost.

Cars are bretty boring, really. They get you from A to B. They are merely transport. Unfortunately they are so personal and such good fun that they have ingratiated themselves (and their pollution, their community-ripping roads and their injuring mayhem) into our 'modern' lives. They allow us to live further away from the dirt and dust of our cities, yet take advantage of the city when and whenever we wish; they allow us to carry heavier loads than we could on a bus, a tram or a bike; they are even a socialising force - we can give helpful lifts to friends or total strangers. Damn it, they have empowered us!

And robbed us of the exercise of walking. Maybe not boring, but certainly not 100% positive either!

One factor in our love of cars is status. Which brings me to B for BMW. It's a fabulous company, a terrific brand. Not as old as some, thinking Daimler Benz and Alfa Romeo, nevertheless a company with a varied past and some decent history. Even the propellor on the badgework is pretty cool. And some terrific cars, long, long ago.

So they still screw together very nice cars with - lately - distinctive styling. Well put together. Top quality. Lots of excess horsepower at the top end of the range. Pricey. But character? Charm? Or mostly just resale value? Why buy one?

Why indeed? The Z-series open top sports look classy and go well in that buked-up Miata kinda way. The big, perhaps too-big sedans, either hotted up as "M-series" or - worse - a tad underpowered are just a classier Ford or GM equivalent. Practical people movers. But well made. Good resale. German. A road less travelled. Not as greyed and aged as a Merc. Still boring though!

Ahhh, but they are rear drive! Bulk horsepower, push-propelled and stiff in the suspension, just like a sports saloon should be... I suppose. I guess I'm not convinced most people even know what all this means. Still, it's a differentiator. It makes for added weight and poorer packaging, plus worse fuel economy. Not the differentiator I'd want, but perhaps enough of a difference to swing some buyers (and certainly most motoring hacks).

And then we have the 1-series. And the enormous bloated 4wds. Vomit comets come to mind, but they have their place on farms, dirt roads and and away from the 'burbs. Alas they are used more often as bloated status objects because (a) they are still more expensive than most people want to spend on a mere transport device and (b) some people can lease 'em and run 'em at company-cost. So we are back to admiring the beauty and style of the accountant rather than the vehicle. Oh well, keeps the factory running.

Let's evaluate the brand more closely. BMW stands for cool post-war cars, hot-shot over-the-top horsepower in faily plain if well made bodywork and somewhat long-term successful touring car racing; it's also one of 3 German-owned brands that stand for Quality, Reliability and Resale Value. Generally we'd guess Bimmer to be 2nd to Benz, with Audi trailing in 3rd in that quick assessment.

In essence they are solid cars with a bit of technical flair, renowned as rear-drive 'driver's cars' yet mostly driven in traffic-jammed cities by affluent well-heeled middle execs, or their wives. They are aspirational buyers, very slighty less conservative and a tad younger than a Benz owner. And they can afford to write the cost off against some other income. You wouldn't buy or lease one unless you could save a buck somewhere, surely? Unless money's no object?

The range offered is ever-growing. From small to large, including shockingly big 4-wheel-driven monsters. It's hard to see a MINI owner aspiring to one of the lard-arsed 4wds, which explains the absence of Bimmer branding at that lower end. But how does a step-up-from-MINI 1-series owner rationalise the environmental non-values behind some of the brand's range? Do they go into denial, or haven't they noticed - yet?

Anyway, not to dent the brand at all, it's obvious enough on the streets that Bee-Emms can be hotted up, slammed and be-winged just like any other car. Just like a Japanese or Korean brand, actually. In fact as the quality circle turns one wonders what will prop up the Bimmer brand value as it stretches ever wider.

They are doing very nicely right now, but if quality continues to level out (and one may posit that this has happened already) and if quirky styling cues become passe, wherefore goeth the brand? Down? What if the ever-broadening model range actually cheapens the brand? Will MINI be a model for a new beginning or the beginning of the end? Should they be a niche player or continue to match Benz at every turn? Too many questions!

I'd guess they are really stretching things. They won't be able to sustain model development long term, so they'll stumble at one end or the other, once or twice. It will snowball. Cheaper competitors will grow some unexpected cachet and nibble at the weak spots in the Bimmer marketshare. As their market share erodes they'll find themselves fighting fires they can't extinguish and contract back to core competencies; or suffer some sad fate like going public and selling out. Just my view.

Stand clear! Prop turning!

Folks, if you buy an Alfa you are buying more than a car.

It's a powerful brand, one of several under FIAT's wing, and it stands for, or represents in the consumer's mind, a multitude of connections. Poll most people and they'll have heard of the brand. Most have never owned one but will think of fast red Italian coupes and open-topped sports cars. Some will think of Italian racing drivers and of heroic (well, maybe not heroic) efforts in F1 races long, long ago. A really long time ago.

More astute consumers will mention "engineering excellence" and "ahead of their time". They will have favourite Alfa body-shapes that will spring to mind. They will speak of Bertone and Giugiaro. Some will say "mini-Ferrari".

They will also say "rust" and "dodgy electrics". Some will have experienced this, or seen rusting examples. It is ingrained in the folklore of the brand that to own an Alfa is to suffer the consequences. It is almost as if they (OK, I've owned 3 so far, so I'm a serial offender) accept these failings as a given, almost a rite of passage, in order to savour the differences. They don't want to be part of the higher-volume brands and are willing to trade some degree of build quality or reliability for an intrinsic love/hate aspect that's, umm, quirky in a stylish Italianate way.

An Alfa buyer who expects Toyota reliability and Mercedes resale values has not researched the brand sufficiently, or didn't get to the chapter on "commitment". However if you are lucky enough to get a reliable Alfa (and this is relative, as generally speaking all modern cars are reliable, if well maintained) and fall into the spell of the brand, that's it - you are caught for life. It sets a standard for automotive panache that is like hearing high-fidelity sound for the first time. A veil is lifted and suddenly you see and hear what hasn't been apparent before.. you become more discerning. Not Ferrari-discerning, but you can see where faux-style ends and real style begins.

Alfa presents a new set of values to the car buyer. Trust, commitment, passion and involvement are suddenly brand values, even if your Alfa was made in a FIAT factory and the tuneful exhaust snarls and pops straight from a FIAT-family engine. Even when you relent and buy a BMW (as you probably will) it's with the knowledge that an Alfa would be better at these things, and a sure knowledge that these are qualities almost absent from a Toyota. However sometimes one must get from A to B, doesn't one?

When a discussion gets sent OffLine it usually means that time's a-wastin' and people have better things to do, haven't they? However it can also mean that the questions are simply getting too hard or (we've all been here) just plain embarassing to answer. Well whatever the reason, this is the place for all of those OffLine chats!